beneath pillows and blankets

this memory hit me as i buried my head under my pillow last night. i was maybe three or four or almost five. i’m just guessing because it was a memory at our old house. we transferred to our current house when i was five.

in the memory i was climbing up the overhead (as in near the ceiling, i don’t know how to describe it) wooden cabinet in our bedroom (where all of us-mom, dad, sis and bro-used to fit perfectly in one bed). my first thought was “wow! i was really that small then, huh?” it’s just that, as a child, i never felt so small. on the contrary, i have always felt that i was life size. was it just me?

so, anyway, back to the memory. the cabinet only has curtains for doors and we use it mainly to store pillows and blankets. when i got inside that cube, i buried myself under the pillows and blankets, and then giggling and trying to hold my breath at the same time, waited patiently to be found out.

i remember how i loved doing that. sometimes, it would take only a couple of minutes before my mom or my babysitter would find me. at times, it took them longer or they did not even realize that i have been gone for maybe an hour and i would emerge from the pile drenched in my own sweat, hehe.

nevertheless, i still did it many many times. i remember how i anticipate them taking one pillow and blanket at a time and finding me underneath the pile. on the few occasions that they did not look for me, i don’t remember feeling sad or disappointed. i just had a good time hiding.

and now it makes me wonder, what could the something-year-old little me be thinking about while under all those pillows and blankets? i tried remembering but all i could think of was that moment when i was giggling, knowing somebody would find me. i was hiding but i knew from the very start that i was going to be found if i just wait long enough.

i don’t really know what to make out of this memory. but to those who are feeling lost or hidden or invisible, whether you are there by choice or other circumstances, wait and be patient. because someone is bound to find you. in the meantime, enjoy your stay beneath whatever pillows and blankets you are. and yes, sometimes, it could just be you waiting for yourself to find you.

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