the santa post

dear santa,

i don’t believe in you. i never did. my brother told me i’m stupid if i believed you were real. i was three or four then, old (though very young) enough to believe in something or someone. he even explained it was our parents who put gifts inside our socks. i thought my brother was smart. i believed him. i’m not sure though if he’d still remember this. after all, i was the one gifted with an amazing memory to remember everything.

but i became fond of hanging christmas socks. just so i can boast about it to my playmates. i also told them you were not real. i’m sorry…

i saw my brother put candies inside my sock, by the way.

why am i writing you this letter, then? well, it’s because most of my friends are contagiously in dear santa mode these days. and they’re in their 20’s already. maybe, unlike me, they believed you exist when they were still little kids. seemed to me that the child in their hearts still do. and i envy them.

when i read their sentiments on you, i felt that i was deprived of the chance of knowing you. and of believing in you. i was disillusioned early in my life. i felt that a part of my childhood was stolen away from me. i realized that every child has the right for that part. to enjoy it. but i was one of the unfortunate ones.

i know it wasn’t my brother’s intention to spoil my childhood fantasies. maybe he even believed in you once upon a time. i wonder who told him about your non-existence. he was just too young then to understand that his little sister needs a santa to wish upon on christmas. he was too young to even realize that he was dealing with the poor girl’s ideals. all along, he thought he was simply protecting his sister from being gullible.

i forgive him, santa. i hope you forgive him, too.

i don’t have a wish list. i still don’t have the faith to send you one.

naughty and nice,

i’ll try not to spoil akim’s (my son-to-be) childhood. but i’m still thinking about spoiling his cousin jam’s (my brother’s daughter-to-be) hehe. bad.

are you multi-lingual? like god?

my faith in his existence is likewise constantly being tested, by the way.

are you friends with him? you deliver gifts in celebration of jesus christ’s birthday, anyway. although there are debates on when His real birthday is.

are you god..?


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